4x4(x3)?

I drive a 4x4 car. There, I’ve confessed!

I’m not quite sure how it happened really. I’ve never lusted after a Chelsea Tractor. I’ve always thought that, even though we live in the countryside, they were a bit over the top: and judging by the antics of their drivers in the Waitrose car park in Henley, they are clearly buggers to park.

So how did I, a woman who professes to be committed to environmentally friendly principles, end up behind the wheel of a 4x4 which costs more to maintain and insure and does less miles to the gallon than the old car? It isn’t a proper Chelsea Tractor. Unless you look closely, it seems just like a normal Audi estate. But in environmental terms – and as far as the Chancellor of the Exchequer is concerned – it’s what’s under the bonnet that counts.

Our slide towards environmental irresponsibility started at the beginning of the year. The original plan was to trade in the much-loved but rather impractical Audi TT and our rather long-in-the-tooth petrol-engined Audi estate (we do like Audis) and to buy another (pre-loved) Audi estate in which to do long distance driving and to carry camping gear and bikes etc. We would then buy a small, less thirsty car, for the school/nursery run and for local shopping expeditions. The logic was that this would be less harmful to the environment and lighter on the pocket in terms of the petrol bills. Having consulted the children, we were fairly clear that the run-around would be a Mini.

It has to be said that we were interested in the idea of a 4WD car from a safety point of view. Youngest son’s nursery is in a fairly remote spot and to reach it, you have to negotiate some fairly steep hills and narrow lanes. Quite apart from the fact that people drive too fast along them . . . in Autumn and Winter, these can be covered with leaves and they get muddy: and icy.

I have had a bad experience with a car on an icy road. It was before Youngest Son was born. I’d dropped his nibs off at his childminder’s and was going to work. I didn’t go the usual way because it would have meant going down a really steep hill. With all the ice around that day, I decided to take a safer route. As I drove around a bend, the car hit ice and started to skid slowly towards the bank. I tried to turn away, but the car started sliding back across the road. It went through a thick hedge and down a hill. There was no one around to see what happened and because of the slope, you wouldn’t have been able to see the car from the lane. It could have been very unpleasant.

Because it was a big, safe, Audi estate, I walked away - the car was a write-off. The accident still haunts me. I can remember going through that hedge and having time to think “Is this it?” One second I’d have been alive: the next, gone. THE END: like a light going off. What would have happened if Eldest Son had been in the car too? Would it have happened if I’d been in a car with 4WD?

Lesson Number One: ALWAYS check your child seats are properly secured. You never know what’s around the corner . . .

Anyway . . .

Mr Darnbrough having identified a number of places that sell second-hand Audi estates, we set off one Sunday with the children to do some car shopping. Somehow or other, we ended up purchasing what turned out to be an extremely thirsty diesel engined 4WD Audi Quattro Estate, whose main selling point was the two extra (fold down) seats in the back. At that point we didn’t know that the 4WD negates the better mileage you get with diesel-engined cars.

The children loved the backs. The car seemed fine. Neither Mr Darnbrough nor myself were functioning as rationally as we might have been. It’s a good thing we didn’t drop in to the dog rescue place just down the road from the car shop, otherwise we’d probably have brought home a dog as well.

Lesson Number Two: NEVER go car shopping with young children. You won’t have your mind on the task in hand.

So, we had sold both the old cars and we had a 4x4 estate car. Then I came up with an environmentally friendly idea. Why didn’t we try becoming a one-car family for a while? We had bikes didn’t we?

That lasted about three weeks before Mr Darnbrough allowed himself to be talked into buying an MGB by a friend whose sons have taken up racing Caterham 7s and who therefore no longer has room for it. It’s a great colour. It’s just a shame about the lack of seats, the lack of noise insulation and the inadequate heating.

I should explain that Mr D is a bit of a car nut. He re-built an MG Midget from scratch in his younger days and only parted with her about five years ago. I guess it was inevitable that something like this would come along sooner or later . . .

The trouble is that I’m a bit of a wimp about driving it. I just feel safer in the Audi. I don’t know the origin of the phrase, ‘flying by the seat of your pants’ but you certainly feel as if you are driving by the seat of your pants when you’re in the MGB.

While he is quite happy to take it to meetings etc which are only about an hour away, Mr Darnbrough has admitted that he prefers using the Estate for anything further away. I can understand this: it’s warmer, more comfortable and more reliable. This results in endless juggling of lifts and play dates and maximum inconvenience for me.

One evening a few weeks ago, Mr Darnbrough broached the subject of The CAR PROBLEM.

“It’s not working, is it?” he said.

I nodded helpfully.

“I’ve been thinking,” he said, and then coughed in an embarrassed sort of way, “How would you feel about buying another car?”

“You mean getting rid of the MGB?” I asked unhelpfully.

“No,” he said. “No I didn’t mean that. I meant . . . “

“You mean buying a third car?”

He clearly had it all worked out.

“We could buy one of those new environmentally friendly Citroen C1s that we saw last weekend. They do about 60 miles to the gallon and they’ve got practically zero road tax – and they look quite good.”

“But that would mean we had three cars.”

“Let’s talk about it again another time,” he said, “when you’ve had a bit more time to think about it . . .”

Normal service will be resumed next week . . . .

In the meantime, this really made me laugh. But then perhaps it says a lot about my relationship with my computer . . .

I hope whoever originated this is happy to have their work given more visibility.

This is what a computer should do first thing in the morning! Click on the link below and then type in your first name... http://www.cse.unsw.edu.au/~geoffo/humour/flattery.html